1. No more migraines
Yes, tonight, honey! Half of women report that sex actually eases headaches, says Randolph W. Evans, M.D., clinical professor of neurology at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.
2. Joy jolt
Regular trysts are linked to higher levels of bliss, The Scandinavian Journal of Economics finds. Increase frequency to weekly and reap the same mood elevation as from a $50,000 raise!
3. Extra confidence
The thrill you get from feeling desired and pleasing your partner is a major ego boost!
4. Sleep aid
Forget counting sheep: Orgasms release morphinelike hormones that summon postsex zzz's.
5. A healthy uterus
"Contractions during climax flush out debris that could go back into the fallopian tubes and lead to endometriosis," says Harvey Kliman, M.D., at the Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut.
6. Fewer colds
Couples who do it weekly see about a 30 percent hike in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that fights infection, notes a study from Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
7. A keener nose
A roll in the hay spurs the release of the hormone prolactin, which causes stem cells to produce new neurons in the brain's olfactory bulb, enhancing your sense of smell.
8. Less stress
Sexually active people have a better physical response to stress than those who abstain, Biological Psychology reports. Sex activates the vagal nerve, causing a calming effect. Even a quickie can help you keep your cool!
9. Souped-up sex drive
Levels of testosterone, one of the key hormones that fuel libido, may spike when you make love. Pleasurable payoff: The more you have it, the more you'll want it.
10. A happier heart
Fun frolics lower blood pressure, reducing your chance for developing heart disease, says Daniel Amen, M.D., author of Sex on the Brain (Harmony Books).
11. Shorter to-do lists
Bumping and grinding can trigger the release of endorphins in your body, "so you may feel more motivated afterward," says Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., a psychologist at Gold's Gym Fitness Institute in New York City.
12. Savvier snacking
Sex makes you appreciate your body, inspiring you to eat a more nutritious diet.
13. Predictable periods
Put an end to surprise visitors: Women who are sexually intimate at least once a week boast a more regular menstrual cycle than those who aren't, due to the exposure to male pheromones.
14. Prompt pregnancies
"Weekly sexual intimacy delays the decline of estrogen as you get older and can enhance fertility," says Winnifred Cutler, Ph.D., founder of the Athena Institute in Chester Springs, Pennsylvania.
15. A fitter figure
Romp for 30 minutes and you can burn up to 200 calories. (You torch the most when you're on top!)
16. Tighter bonds
Nooky spawns a shower of oxytocin, the so-called intimacy hormone, which makes you feel connected to your honey, Vranich says.
17. Mighty memory
Sex is one smart move: In the heat of passion, blood surges through the body and brain. "Anything that improves blood flow to your brain will stimulate and improve your memory," Dr. Amen says.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
So.. You're in love with one of your friends..
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
25 Awesome Jeremy Clarkson Quotes
Jeremy Clarkson certainly has a way with words. One of my personal favorites was in reference to the new Caparo T1. “When this thing goes on sale, there isn’t going to be a ditch in the land or a hedge row that isn’t full of Premiereship footballers who are broken and on fire.” Enjoy.
1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t
you?”
18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t
you?”
18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
Friday, May 22, 2009
Momfinitions
Booty call
[BOO-tee kawl] noun: A shout from the bathroom letting you know it's time to go wipe someone's butt.
Sleevekerchief
[sleev-KUR-cheef] noun: What you use to catch your kid's snot when you're out of tissues.
Diapergami
[dahy-per-GAWM-ee] noun: That secret parenting fold that turns a nasty diaper into a tidy package ready for the trash.
Keything Ring
[kee-THEENG-reeng] noun: What your keychain becomes in a teething pain emergency at the grocery store.
Boobifier
[boob-UH-fahy-er] verb: The act of using one's boob as a pacifier.
Wuce
[woos] noun: The watered-down juice that's left in the bottom of your kid's sippy cup after you've refilled it throughout the day.
Unhappy Hour
[UN-hap-ee-OU-er] noun: The hour between 5 and 6 PM when every mom in America is desperately trying to entertain whiney and hungry children while simultaneously fixing dinner and tidying up the house.
Four Dora Day
[FAWR-dor-uh-dey] noun: One of those days when you ignore all TV limits and let your kids watch four, five or even six episodes of Dora in a row.
Justaraisin
[juhst-uh-REY-zin] expression: What you tell your kids when they catch you sneaking into your secret chocolate stash (e.g., "No, I'm not eating chocolate. It's justaraisin. Want one?")
Peemergency
[pee-MUR-juhn-see] noun: When you've just pulled onto the freeway after loading 10 bags of groceries and three kids into the car and your kid decides to tell you that he has to go potty Right. That. Instant.
Invisaowie
[in-VIS-uh-awhw-ee] noun: An owie that's so small you can't see it—but still requires a bandage to stop the crying.
Snooze Control
[sn-OOZ cun-trol]verb: When you hand your kid the remote and flip to Noggin so you can catch a few more ZZZs.
Toppler
[tawp-LER] noun: A topless toddler, usually caused by an unprepared mommy forgetting to bring along a change of clothes.
Boy-o-sphere
[boi-OH-sfeer] noun: That weird, stuffy, puppy breath kind of smell that permeates a boy's room, especially when they've kept their door closed all day. Is it the laundry? Their shoes? Can't quite place where it's coming from, but you'll know it when you smell it.
Spelling Bee Champ
[spel-EENG bee ch-aa-mp] noun: What you have to be when the kids are old enough to know what you are talking about so you have to start s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g.
[BOO-tee kawl] noun: A shout from the bathroom letting you know it's time to go wipe someone's butt.
Sleevekerchief
[sleev-KUR-cheef] noun: What you use to catch your kid's snot when you're out of tissues.
Diapergami
[dahy-per-GAWM-ee] noun: That secret parenting fold that turns a nasty diaper into a tidy package ready for the trash.
Keything Ring
[kee-THEENG-reeng] noun: What your keychain becomes in a teething pain emergency at the grocery store.
Boobifier
[boob-UH-fahy-er] verb: The act of using one's boob as a pacifier.
Wuce
[woos] noun: The watered-down juice that's left in the bottom of your kid's sippy cup after you've refilled it throughout the day.
Unhappy Hour
[UN-hap-ee-OU-er] noun: The hour between 5 and 6 PM when every mom in America is desperately trying to entertain whiney and hungry children while simultaneously fixing dinner and tidying up the house.
Four Dora Day
[FAWR-dor-uh-dey] noun: One of those days when you ignore all TV limits and let your kids watch four, five or even six episodes of Dora in a row.
Justaraisin
[juhst-uh-REY-zin] expression: What you tell your kids when they catch you sneaking into your secret chocolate stash (e.g., "No, I'm not eating chocolate. It's justaraisin. Want one?")
Peemergency
[pee-MUR-juhn-see] noun: When you've just pulled onto the freeway after loading 10 bags of groceries and three kids into the car and your kid decides to tell you that he has to go potty Right. That. Instant.
Invisaowie
[in-VIS-uh-awhw-ee] noun: An owie that's so small you can't see it—but still requires a bandage to stop the crying.
Snooze Control
[sn-OOZ cun-trol]verb: When you hand your kid the remote and flip to Noggin so you can catch a few more ZZZs.
Toppler
[tawp-LER] noun: A topless toddler, usually caused by an unprepared mommy forgetting to bring along a change of clothes.
Boy-o-sphere
[boi-OH-sfeer] noun: That weird, stuffy, puppy breath kind of smell that permeates a boy's room, especially when they've kept their door closed all day. Is it the laundry? Their shoes? Can't quite place where it's coming from, but you'll know it when you smell it.
Spelling Bee Champ
[spel-EENG bee ch-aa-mp] noun: What you have to be when the kids are old enough to know what you are talking about so you have to start s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g.
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