Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Relationship Quoets
If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy.
If you aren't happy being single you will never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life and love it first, then share it.
A boy makes his girl jealous of other woman. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
If you're single, focus on being a better you instead of looking for someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.
When the past calls, let it go to voice mail. It has nothing new to say.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Real men never stop trying to show a girl how much she means to him, even after he's got her.
Don't take a good woman for granted. Someday, someone will come along and appreciate what you didn't.
Don't base your relationship decisions off of the advice of people who don't have to live with the results.
If they're taking your love for a joke, then leave them like it's funny.
If you aren't happy being single you will never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life and love it first, then share it.
A boy makes his girl jealous of other woman. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
If you're single, focus on being a better you instead of looking for someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.
When the past calls, let it go to voice mail. It has nothing new to say.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Real men never stop trying to show a girl how much she means to him, even after he's got her.
Don't take a good woman for granted. Someday, someone will come along and appreciate what you didn't.
Don't base your relationship decisions off of the advice of people who don't have to live with the results.
If they're taking your love for a joke, then leave them like it's funny.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Ten Signs He Really Loves You
Do you want to know whether he really loves you? There are so many telltale signs that will indicate your boyfriend really cares about you, but here are the top ten sure signs to check whether your relationship will stand the test of time.
1. He Looks Into Your Eyes When You Talk
This sign is all about the body language. If he looks into your eyes when you talk, you know he is paying full attention to you. Obviously, this is not always practical for every conversation, especially if you are driving somewhere. However, whenever you really want to have a heart to heart discussion, he gives you his full attention, by turning his body towards you, and watching the expression on your face. This is a sign he wants to know what you are really thinking.
2. He Wants To Know About You
If your boyfriend asks about your past, your dreams, your desires (not just sexual), your wants, your needs, how you feel inspired, what you love, or anything about you that relates to your thoughts intimately as an individual, you can be very sure that he wants what is best for you. This is a very good indication he loves you.
3. He Gives You Cuddles and Caresses
While touch is more important to some people than others, casual touches that are not necessarily sexual in nature are definitely signs he is letting you know that he loves you. If he wants to hold your hand when you walk anywhere together, you can be sure he is saying with his body language that he wants to be with you.
4. He Can Comfort You When You Have a Bad Day
This is one of the most important indicators of a relationship that will stand the test of time. If you feel you can automatically turn to him when 'times are tuff', and he is able to give you comfort and help you to feel better, not worse, you have a guy who really loves you. If he gets uncomfortable when you are upset, or doesn't know what will comfort you, he is not really putting you first in the relationship. If he at least tries to comfort you, there is hope for the future.
5. He Gives You the Best Presents
Presents do not have to be expensive to be heartfelt. A present can be as simple as an email, a homemade card, or a wildflower picked from the roadside. The essence of this sign is that whenever he does give you a present, whether it is for a special event such as a birthday, or if it is just an off the cuff small gift, it is a gift that means something to you personally. He shows he cares about you by the depth of thought that goes into what you will like and he delights in giving you gifts that you just love.
6. He Makes You Feel Special
Giving you compliments about how beautiful you look is one way he will make you to feel special. It may just be that simple phone call, an email, or even a formal love letter. Whatever he does, he wants to give you pleasure and to build you up as a person. He wants to make you feel like you are the most wonderful woman in the world.
7. He Wants You to Meet His Friends and Wants to Meet Yours
Meeting friends is about wanting to be a part of each other's lives. If he wants to meet your friends, and spends time getting to know the people who are important in your life, he really does love you. If he enjoys being with your friends, and makes you feel comfortable and a part of the group when you are with his friends, you can be sure he wants to be in your life for a long time.
8. He Makes You Laugh and Enjoy Life
You actually look forward to spending time with him, because you know you will have fun. Being able to laugh together and have fun is part of every good relationship. If he cannot share the joy of life with you easily, he won't be able to cope with the hard times that will inevitably come your way too. Even in the difficult times, he somehow can make you smile, through your tears. This is because he loves you and wants you to be happy. He gets a joy from seeing the excitement and pleasure in your expression, so he works to make you laugh.
9. He Loves Spending Time with You
He treats you as his best friend. He can be quite happy spending time with just the two of you, and doesn't have to have a million other people around all the time. He makes excuses to see you, and just thoroughly enjoys being around you. He tells you his own thoughts, dreams, and is able to share ideas with you comfortably. He also turns to you when he is sad, or needs comfort too.
10. He Says He Loves You
Okay, it can be very easy to say those three words "I love you", but if he says it when you are not expecting it, or if he says it first, he wants to tell you that he really cares about you. If he only says I love you when he wants to be physically intimate with you, or if you always say it first, and he only says it in reply, because that is what you expect, he may not really care deeply. He may not even need to say the words, because he knows you know how he feels about you, but just has to say it anyway.
If you see evidence of these ten signs in your relationship, and you know the signs are done without purpose or gain, your relationship is built on the foundation of true love. You can be sure of your relationship when he truly wants to please you, and honestly shows that he enjoys being with you in many ways.
1. He Looks Into Your Eyes When You Talk
This sign is all about the body language. If he looks into your eyes when you talk, you know he is paying full attention to you. Obviously, this is not always practical for every conversation, especially if you are driving somewhere. However, whenever you really want to have a heart to heart discussion, he gives you his full attention, by turning his body towards you, and watching the expression on your face. This is a sign he wants to know what you are really thinking.
2. He Wants To Know About You
If your boyfriend asks about your past, your dreams, your desires (not just sexual), your wants, your needs, how you feel inspired, what you love, or anything about you that relates to your thoughts intimately as an individual, you can be very sure that he wants what is best for you. This is a very good indication he loves you.
3. He Gives You Cuddles and Caresses
While touch is more important to some people than others, casual touches that are not necessarily sexual in nature are definitely signs he is letting you know that he loves you. If he wants to hold your hand when you walk anywhere together, you can be sure he is saying with his body language that he wants to be with you.
4. He Can Comfort You When You Have a Bad Day
This is one of the most important indicators of a relationship that will stand the test of time. If you feel you can automatically turn to him when 'times are tuff', and he is able to give you comfort and help you to feel better, not worse, you have a guy who really loves you. If he gets uncomfortable when you are upset, or doesn't know what will comfort you, he is not really putting you first in the relationship. If he at least tries to comfort you, there is hope for the future.
5. He Gives You the Best Presents
Presents do not have to be expensive to be heartfelt. A present can be as simple as an email, a homemade card, or a wildflower picked from the roadside. The essence of this sign is that whenever he does give you a present, whether it is for a special event such as a birthday, or if it is just an off the cuff small gift, it is a gift that means something to you personally. He shows he cares about you by the depth of thought that goes into what you will like and he delights in giving you gifts that you just love.
6. He Makes You Feel Special
Giving you compliments about how beautiful you look is one way he will make you to feel special. It may just be that simple phone call, an email, or even a formal love letter. Whatever he does, he wants to give you pleasure and to build you up as a person. He wants to make you feel like you are the most wonderful woman in the world.
7. He Wants You to Meet His Friends and Wants to Meet Yours
Meeting friends is about wanting to be a part of each other's lives. If he wants to meet your friends, and spends time getting to know the people who are important in your life, he really does love you. If he enjoys being with your friends, and makes you feel comfortable and a part of the group when you are with his friends, you can be sure he wants to be in your life for a long time.
8. He Makes You Laugh and Enjoy Life
You actually look forward to spending time with him, because you know you will have fun. Being able to laugh together and have fun is part of every good relationship. If he cannot share the joy of life with you easily, he won't be able to cope with the hard times that will inevitably come your way too. Even in the difficult times, he somehow can make you smile, through your tears. This is because he loves you and wants you to be happy. He gets a joy from seeing the excitement and pleasure in your expression, so he works to make you laugh.
9. He Loves Spending Time with You
He treats you as his best friend. He can be quite happy spending time with just the two of you, and doesn't have to have a million other people around all the time. He makes excuses to see you, and just thoroughly enjoys being around you. He tells you his own thoughts, dreams, and is able to share ideas with you comfortably. He also turns to you when he is sad, or needs comfort too.
10. He Says He Loves You
Okay, it can be very easy to say those three words "I love you", but if he says it when you are not expecting it, or if he says it first, he wants to tell you that he really cares about you. If he only says I love you when he wants to be physically intimate with you, or if you always say it first, and he only says it in reply, because that is what you expect, he may not really care deeply. He may not even need to say the words, because he knows you know how he feels about you, but just has to say it anyway.
If you see evidence of these ten signs in your relationship, and you know the signs are done without purpose or gain, your relationship is built on the foundation of true love. You can be sure of your relationship when he truly wants to please you, and honestly shows that he enjoys being with you in many ways.
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Life's Instructions
1. Have a firm handshake.
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo system.
5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with ! children, let them win.
17. Give people a second chance, but not a third.
18. Be romantic.
19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.
22. Be a good loser.
23. Be a good winner.
24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
27. Keep it simple.
28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
32. things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
33. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
34. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
35. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
36. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
37. Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
38. Once in a while, take the scenic route.
39. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
40. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
41. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
42. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
43. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
44. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
45. Become someone's hero.
46. Marry only for love.
47. Count your blessings.
48. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
49. Wave at the children on a school bus.
50. Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
51. Don't expect life to be fair.
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo system.
5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with ! children, let them win.
17. Give people a second chance, but not a third.
18. Be romantic.
19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.
22. Be a good loser.
23. Be a good winner.
24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
27. Keep it simple.
28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
32. things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
33. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
34. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
35. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
36. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
37. Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
38. Once in a while, take the scenic route.
39. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
40. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
41. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
42. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
43. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
44. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
45. Become someone's hero.
46. Marry only for love.
47. Count your blessings.
48. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
49. Wave at the children on a school bus.
50. Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
51. Don't expect life to be fair.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
40 Ways To Show Your Child Love
1. Take them to a movie they want to see.
2. Go on a treasure hunt (collect all the loose change around the house/car) together and then make a trip to the arcade with your findings.
3. Take a long nature walk together, at their pace. Let them lead the conversation.
4. Find qualities about them that you genuinely love, and compliment them in front of others.
5. Frame a photo of the two of you, and display it in their room.
6. Put a few Hershey’s Hugs in one of their coat pockets, and Kisses in the other.
7. Play a game with them.
8. Let them win.
9. Make bath time special. Add lots of bubbles, colored soaps, maybe you could purchase a new tub toy or let them play with things found around the house. I let my kids play with things like colanders and funnels from the kitchen—they love it. Don’t forget to warm the towel!
10. Send them a handmade card in the mail with a coupon to go get ice cream with you.
11. Gather all the home movies that feature them as the “star” and have a movie night complete with popcorn and treats.
12. Using blankets and chairs, or a card table, build a clubhouse together and have a picnic inside.
13. Read “I love you” books together.
14. Let them stay up past their bedtime with you and watch cartoon classics together.
15. Do a chore that is normally reserved for them.
16. Tuck an encouraging note inside their lunchbox.
17. Give them your full attention.
18. Tell them some of the ways they make you happy.
19. Make them laugh.
20. Laugh with them.
21. Make their favorite treat to welcome them home from school with.
22. Show them your joy when they arrive.
23. Ask for hugs and kisses.
24. Listen, and let them make their own decisions whenever possible.
25. Make them a coupon book filled with things they’d enjoy doing, or things they’d like to get out of doing.
26. Take a day off from everything: work, household duties, technology, etc. and focus entirely on them.
27. Cook together.
28. Write them a poem using the initials of their name.
29. Decorate their room for no reason.
30. Create a sign that lavishes them with praise.
31. Kidnap them from school and take them out for lunch.
32. Make home a fun place to be.
33. Make a treasure box from an old shoe box, fill it with “gold” (chocolate coins) and make an official looking treasure map with clues for them to locate the hidden treasure with.
34. Go to the store and let them pick out all the ingredients to make banana splits. Make and eat them together.
35. Wrap up in a warm blanket together and take turns making up stories to tell each other.
36. Make a list of things you love about them and put it on their pillow before bedtime.
37. Talk about what they did in their day at dinnertime.
38. Sit down together and write a list of fun activities to do in a day. Write each idea on small slips of paper, roll up the papers and stick them inside balloons. Blow up all the balloons and then pop one balloon at a time until you’ve completed all the activities.
39. Play back rub/tickle games—ie; Spider crawling up your back…
40. Make a CD with all their favorite tunes and have a dance party.
2. Go on a treasure hunt (collect all the loose change around the house/car) together and then make a trip to the arcade with your findings.
3. Take a long nature walk together, at their pace. Let them lead the conversation.
4. Find qualities about them that you genuinely love, and compliment them in front of others.
5. Frame a photo of the two of you, and display it in their room.
6. Put a few Hershey’s Hugs in one of their coat pockets, and Kisses in the other.
7. Play a game with them.
8. Let them win.
9. Make bath time special. Add lots of bubbles, colored soaps, maybe you could purchase a new tub toy or let them play with things found around the house. I let my kids play with things like colanders and funnels from the kitchen—they love it. Don’t forget to warm the towel!
10. Send them a handmade card in the mail with a coupon to go get ice cream with you.
11. Gather all the home movies that feature them as the “star” and have a movie night complete with popcorn and treats.
12. Using blankets and chairs, or a card table, build a clubhouse together and have a picnic inside.
13. Read “I love you” books together.
14. Let them stay up past their bedtime with you and watch cartoon classics together.
15. Do a chore that is normally reserved for them.
16. Tuck an encouraging note inside their lunchbox.
17. Give them your full attention.
18. Tell them some of the ways they make you happy.
19. Make them laugh.
20. Laugh with them.
21. Make their favorite treat to welcome them home from school with.
22. Show them your joy when they arrive.
23. Ask for hugs and kisses.
24. Listen, and let them make their own decisions whenever possible.
25. Make them a coupon book filled with things they’d enjoy doing, or things they’d like to get out of doing.
26. Take a day off from everything: work, household duties, technology, etc. and focus entirely on them.
27. Cook together.
28. Write them a poem using the initials of their name.
29. Decorate their room for no reason.
30. Create a sign that lavishes them with praise.
31. Kidnap them from school and take them out for lunch.
32. Make home a fun place to be.
33. Make a treasure box from an old shoe box, fill it with “gold” (chocolate coins) and make an official looking treasure map with clues for them to locate the hidden treasure with.
34. Go to the store and let them pick out all the ingredients to make banana splits. Make and eat them together.
35. Wrap up in a warm blanket together and take turns making up stories to tell each other.
36. Make a list of things you love about them and put it on their pillow before bedtime.
37. Talk about what they did in their day at dinnertime.
38. Sit down together and write a list of fun activities to do in a day. Write each idea on small slips of paper, roll up the papers and stick them inside balloons. Blow up all the balloons and then pop one balloon at a time until you’ve completed all the activities.
39. Play back rub/tickle games—ie; Spider crawling up your back…
40. Make a CD with all their favorite tunes and have a dance party.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Rules..
• Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
• Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
• Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
• Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
• Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
• Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
• Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
• Stay open to spontaneity.
• Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
• Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
• Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
• Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
• Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
• Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
• Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
• Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
• Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
• Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
• Stay open to spontaneity.
• Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
• Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
• Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
• Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
15 Things to Tell Your Teen Before They Close Their Eyes to Sleep
Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in a parent’s marriage — as well as their life. It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against us at times — rebelling from our rules, pointing out our inadequacies, and telling us “how out of it we are.”
However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it.
I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child’s teen years.
1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart more than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don’t like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don’t care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).
The number of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child’s life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through — and so will you.
However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it.
I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child’s teen years.
1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart more than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don’t like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don’t care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).
The number of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child’s life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through — and so will you.
Monday, June 27, 2011
21 Reasons why English Sucks
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wake the Hell Up!!
(CNN) -- The woman started crying.
I didn't expect this, because, well, why would I? We were two adults, standing in a preschool auditorium, waiting for the year-end musical gala to begin, talking summer plans and Twitter and junk fiction and all things mindless parents talk at mindless events. Then -- tears.
"My husband," she said, "doesn't care."
"Uh, about what?" I asked.
The floodgates now open, she told me her husband works from home. But he never drops their daughter off at preschool. He never picks their daughter up at preschool. He never wakes up with their daughter, never puts her to bed, never takes her to a movie or a carnival or a ball game; never comes up with fun daddy-daughter activities. "All he worries about is golf," the mother said. "Sometimes he'll take her to the driving range for an hour. But that's it. ..."
Two days later, by mere coincidence, a different mother cornered me. I was sitting in a pizzeria with my son, Emmett, and daughter, Casey, gnawing on a calzone. The woman, another preschool regular who always seems to be dragging around her kids with the worn look of a chain gang inmate, glanced my way and muttered, "My husband would never do that."
"Do what?" I asked.
"Be out alone with both of the kids at once," she said. "Never."
In case you are wondering, I am that dad. The one who works out of the house. The one who drives his kids to school, packs lunches and pushes swings and arranges play dates and attends teacher conferences and -- generally speaking -- frequently finds himself alone in brightly colored rooms filled with women and tykes.
Along with my wife (who, until recently, also worked from home), I wipe snot, clean poop, order time outs and say no -- Really, no! I'm being serious, no! -- to the damned ice cream man and his Satanic siren call. I know all of my kids' friends, and most of their tendencies (Ashley and Emily love dolls, Lucas only wants to talk about Derek Jeter, Tyler digs applesauce).
Hence, I have been sent here today, on behalf of the stay-at-home mothers of the world, to convey to my fellow pops a message of love and hope in this lead-up to Father's Day: Wake the hell up.
Really, wake the hell up. Now. I understand that most of you have 9-to-5 jobs, that you leave tired and come home tired and just wanna chill in front of SportsCenter with a bowl of chips. But, seriously, you have no remote idea: Being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting. At the office, you can hide. You can take lunch. You can pretend you're working while scrolling the Internet for Yankees-Blue Jays and, ahem, Lindsay Lohan news. You have genuine social interactions with folks over the age of, oh, 12. People ask questions about your day -- and listen to the answers.
I envy you, but I sort of pity you. Kids grow. Age 1 turns to age 3, which turns to age 7, which turns to 15 and 18 and 21, all in the blink of an eye. If you're there, as I am, it flies. If you're not there -- if you're almost never there -- it barely exists at all. Which is why I just can't stomach those millions of dads who view their days at home as recovery from work, who'd rather rest than engage, who have no problem with passing the tykes off for more alone time with mom and who, literally, moan to their wives, "You have no idea how hard I work."
For you, I offer these 10 commandments of righteous fatherhood. Pay close attention, because, behind your back, people are pitying your wife:
1. No golf on weekends: Seriously, it's ludicrous. Your spouse is home with the kids all the time, and you think it's OK to take five hours on a weekend day to pursue your own pastime? Selfishness, thy name is Father.
2. Wake up: Literally, wake up. With your kids. On at least one of the two weekend days -- and perhaps both. I know: you wake up early for work. Not even remotely the same thing. Rising alongside the kiddies is hard. And crazy. And (gasp!) sorta fun, if you'd just stop moping.
3. Change diapers: If you have little kids, and you don't know how to change diapers (or, even worse, refuse to change diapers), you're pathetic. That's no exaggeration -- p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. It's not all that hard, and though the poop sometimes winds up on the fingers, well, uh, yeah. It just does. Wash your hands.
4. Play with dolls and paint your toenails: How many fathers do I know who refuse to get girlish with their girls? Dozens. Dude, put aside the machismo, break out Barbie and slather on some pink polish. You'll make a friend for life -- and nobody else is watching.
5. Do things you don't want to do: It's easy to take the kids to the driving range -- because you want to be there. Now try spending the day having a tea party at American Girl. Or crawling through one of those wormholes at the nearby kiddie gym. Fun? Often, no. But this isn't about you.
6. Order the wife to bug off: I recently met a mother who told me her husband hadn't been alone with their 9-year-old daughter for more than two hours ... ever. Inexcusable. Let your wife do her own thing: relax, take a run, whatever. Entertain your children solo. They don't bite (Note: CNN.com is not liable if your children do, in fact, bite).
7. Surprise! Just once, on a random day without meaning or purpose, show up early at your kid's school/camp/wherever, say "Get in the car!" and take him/her somewhere special. Just the two of you, alone. A movie. A park. A hike. The memory lasts -- I promise.
8. Dishes Don't Clean Themselves (Nor Do Toys): It's amazing how this one works. You pick up a dish, run it under hot water with some soap, rub it down with a towel and place it back on the shelf. Then repeat.
9. Wake up your kid: Not often. But if you want to score big points and create a killer memory moment, walk in Junior's room at, oh, midnight, wake him/her up and go outside for 10 minutes to watch the stars.
10. For God's sake, tell your kids you love them: They never see you, and they'd probably like to know.
Bud, as you read this your wife is expecting little -- and your kids are expecting even less. Pull one out of the blue. Make Father's Day less about you, and all about them.
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jeff Pearlman.
I didn't expect this, because, well, why would I? We were two adults, standing in a preschool auditorium, waiting for the year-end musical gala to begin, talking summer plans and Twitter and junk fiction and all things mindless parents talk at mindless events. Then -- tears.
"My husband," she said, "doesn't care."
"Uh, about what?" I asked.
The floodgates now open, she told me her husband works from home. But he never drops their daughter off at preschool. He never picks their daughter up at preschool. He never wakes up with their daughter, never puts her to bed, never takes her to a movie or a carnival or a ball game; never comes up with fun daddy-daughter activities. "All he worries about is golf," the mother said. "Sometimes he'll take her to the driving range for an hour. But that's it. ..."
Two days later, by mere coincidence, a different mother cornered me. I was sitting in a pizzeria with my son, Emmett, and daughter, Casey, gnawing on a calzone. The woman, another preschool regular who always seems to be dragging around her kids with the worn look of a chain gang inmate, glanced my way and muttered, "My husband would never do that."
"Do what?" I asked.
"Be out alone with both of the kids at once," she said. "Never."
In case you are wondering, I am that dad. The one who works out of the house. The one who drives his kids to school, packs lunches and pushes swings and arranges play dates and attends teacher conferences and -- generally speaking -- frequently finds himself alone in brightly colored rooms filled with women and tykes.
Along with my wife (who, until recently, also worked from home), I wipe snot, clean poop, order time outs and say no -- Really, no! I'm being serious, no! -- to the damned ice cream man and his Satanic siren call. I know all of my kids' friends, and most of their tendencies (Ashley and Emily love dolls, Lucas only wants to talk about Derek Jeter, Tyler digs applesauce).
Hence, I have been sent here today, on behalf of the stay-at-home mothers of the world, to convey to my fellow pops a message of love and hope in this lead-up to Father's Day: Wake the hell up.
Really, wake the hell up. Now. I understand that most of you have 9-to-5 jobs, that you leave tired and come home tired and just wanna chill in front of SportsCenter with a bowl of chips. But, seriously, you have no remote idea: Being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting. At the office, you can hide. You can take lunch. You can pretend you're working while scrolling the Internet for Yankees-Blue Jays and, ahem, Lindsay Lohan news. You have genuine social interactions with folks over the age of, oh, 12. People ask questions about your day -- and listen to the answers.
I envy you, but I sort of pity you. Kids grow. Age 1 turns to age 3, which turns to age 7, which turns to 15 and 18 and 21, all in the blink of an eye. If you're there, as I am, it flies. If you're not there -- if you're almost never there -- it barely exists at all. Which is why I just can't stomach those millions of dads who view their days at home as recovery from work, who'd rather rest than engage, who have no problem with passing the tykes off for more alone time with mom and who, literally, moan to their wives, "You have no idea how hard I work."
For you, I offer these 10 commandments of righteous fatherhood. Pay close attention, because, behind your back, people are pitying your wife:
1. No golf on weekends: Seriously, it's ludicrous. Your spouse is home with the kids all the time, and you think it's OK to take five hours on a weekend day to pursue your own pastime? Selfishness, thy name is Father.
2. Wake up: Literally, wake up. With your kids. On at least one of the two weekend days -- and perhaps both. I know: you wake up early for work. Not even remotely the same thing. Rising alongside the kiddies is hard. And crazy. And (gasp!) sorta fun, if you'd just stop moping.
3. Change diapers: If you have little kids, and you don't know how to change diapers (or, even worse, refuse to change diapers), you're pathetic. That's no exaggeration -- p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. It's not all that hard, and though the poop sometimes winds up on the fingers, well, uh, yeah. It just does. Wash your hands.
4. Play with dolls and paint your toenails: How many fathers do I know who refuse to get girlish with their girls? Dozens. Dude, put aside the machismo, break out Barbie and slather on some pink polish. You'll make a friend for life -- and nobody else is watching.
5. Do things you don't want to do: It's easy to take the kids to the driving range -- because you want to be there. Now try spending the day having a tea party at American Girl. Or crawling through one of those wormholes at the nearby kiddie gym. Fun? Often, no. But this isn't about you.
6. Order the wife to bug off: I recently met a mother who told me her husband hadn't been alone with their 9-year-old daughter for more than two hours ... ever. Inexcusable. Let your wife do her own thing: relax, take a run, whatever. Entertain your children solo. They don't bite (Note: CNN.com is not liable if your children do, in fact, bite).
7. Surprise! Just once, on a random day without meaning or purpose, show up early at your kid's school/camp/wherever, say "Get in the car!" and take him/her somewhere special. Just the two of you, alone. A movie. A park. A hike. The memory lasts -- I promise.
8. Dishes Don't Clean Themselves (Nor Do Toys): It's amazing how this one works. You pick up a dish, run it under hot water with some soap, rub it down with a towel and place it back on the shelf. Then repeat.
9. Wake up your kid: Not often. But if you want to score big points and create a killer memory moment, walk in Junior's room at, oh, midnight, wake him/her up and go outside for 10 minutes to watch the stars.
10. For God's sake, tell your kids you love them: They never see you, and they'd probably like to know.
Bud, as you read this your wife is expecting little -- and your kids are expecting even less. Pull one out of the blue. Make Father's Day less about you, and all about them.
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jeff Pearlman.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Advice from Somewhere
ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Every atom in your body
Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics. You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded. Because the elements, the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars. And the only way they could get into your body is if the stars were kind enough to explode. So forget Jesus. The stars died so you could be here today.
Friday, May 20, 2011
What Did You Do All Day?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here today?’”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here today?’”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”
The Sugarpants Household Parenting Manifesto (Incomplete and Subject to Change)
1 ) Parents will take all precautions necessary to avoid yelling (deep breathing, counting to ten, etc.) If yelling occurs, responsibility is taken for losing temper, and apologies are made – always prior to bedtime. No one goes to bed an Angry Bird, ever. That’s the rules.
2 ) It is always okay to make mistakes. Parents and children are well aware of this rule, as mistakes are often made by both the Parental Units and the Kidlet Units. Talking it out, hugging it out, and snuggling it out are usually the best remedies for said mistakes.
3 ) Absolutely no tattling on your sibling unless someone is bleeding or on fire. Make an effort to work things out on your own.
4 ) No hitting in this family, ever, for any reason. This rule is extended to the furball in the family as well. Hitting is never a good way to deal with anger. Except when Mommy is dealing with the stove, which is clearly possessed by the devil.
5 ) Apologies are to be made while looking each other in the eye and will include all of the following: “I’m sorry for what I did/said;” an “Are you okay” (if applicable); an “I love you” and “I love you too;” and a giant hug. Laughter is optional, but one should expect it to happen.
6 ) If one feels the need to be alone, whether it’s because they are feeling sad, or need downtime, or for any other reason, they always can retreat to their room and close the door. All closed doors are to be respected, and only opened after knocking; especially Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom door, dammit.
7 ) Screen time is defined as time spent watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the internet. Screen time is earned and can be taken away for many reasons. Doing chores, homework and keeping your room clean can usually result in relatively unlimited screen time. Whining will result in instant loss of Screen Time, every time, without fail. If you can wipe your own butt, you are too old to speak Whinese.
8 ) All efforts will be made to have kid staples in the house: pencils, peanut butter, milk, bread, cereal and cookies. In the event a staple has run out: DO NOT PANIC. An adult will replenish stock as soon as he or she can.
9 ) All efforts will be made to have adult staples in the house: coffee. In the event a staple has run out – oh wait, we never let that happen ever. EVER.
10 ) Road trips are to be prepared for. Peeing prior to boarding the vehicle is mandatory by all parties. All electronics will be charged the night before and packed in a designated ‘fun bag.’ Said fun bag is not to be confused by traditional ‘fun bags.’ TOTALLY DIFFERENT ANIMAL.
11 ) Swearing is permitted within the confines of our house. Curse words are just words, and while they are rarely used, no punishment will be made for using said words. Children are not to use these words outside of the home, especially with their friends, teachers, or coaches. While that seems like a double standard, not everyone parents this way and would probably not understand, as we have discussed.*
12 ) Everything is subject to discussion. Hot topics like sex, STD’s, pregnancy, peer pressure, drugs, drunk driving and alcohol are openly discussed, using real terminology (and in the case of drugs, images on Google) for the appropriate subject. Children are encouraged to ask any questions, no matter how silly or uncomfortable, and will be met with honest answers and open, two-way dialogue. Children are encouraged to know all the facts about any topic, to approach parents at any time if they find themselves in a situation, and also to make their own decisions in future.
13 ) When out of sight, whether walking home from school or playing outside, children are to stand up for each other, no matter the circumstances. If approached by an adult, remember that an adult never asks a child for help if he/she truly needs help (ie. Dude with “lost puppy.”) An adult who was in real trouble, would ask another adult for help, not a child. Don’t be afraid to yell NO and walk or run away. If grabbed, don’t be afraid to kick, punch, yell, and make a ton of noise.
14 ) No one is perfect. No one is better or worse than us. Treat yourself, each other and others equally, and with respect. Love yourself and love each other. And know you are always, always loved by us, your parents.
2 ) It is always okay to make mistakes. Parents and children are well aware of this rule, as mistakes are often made by both the Parental Units and the Kidlet Units. Talking it out, hugging it out, and snuggling it out are usually the best remedies for said mistakes.
3 ) Absolutely no tattling on your sibling unless someone is bleeding or on fire. Make an effort to work things out on your own.
4 ) No hitting in this family, ever, for any reason. This rule is extended to the furball in the family as well. Hitting is never a good way to deal with anger. Except when Mommy is dealing with the stove, which is clearly possessed by the devil.
5 ) Apologies are to be made while looking each other in the eye and will include all of the following: “I’m sorry for what I did/said;” an “Are you okay” (if applicable); an “I love you” and “I love you too;” and a giant hug. Laughter is optional, but one should expect it to happen.
6 ) If one feels the need to be alone, whether it’s because they are feeling sad, or need downtime, or for any other reason, they always can retreat to their room and close the door. All closed doors are to be respected, and only opened after knocking; especially Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom door, dammit.
7 ) Screen time is defined as time spent watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the internet. Screen time is earned and can be taken away for many reasons. Doing chores, homework and keeping your room clean can usually result in relatively unlimited screen time. Whining will result in instant loss of Screen Time, every time, without fail. If you can wipe your own butt, you are too old to speak Whinese.
8 ) All efforts will be made to have kid staples in the house: pencils, peanut butter, milk, bread, cereal and cookies. In the event a staple has run out: DO NOT PANIC. An adult will replenish stock as soon as he or she can.
9 ) All efforts will be made to have adult staples in the house: coffee. In the event a staple has run out – oh wait, we never let that happen ever. EVER.
10 ) Road trips are to be prepared for. Peeing prior to boarding the vehicle is mandatory by all parties. All electronics will be charged the night before and packed in a designated ‘fun bag.’ Said fun bag is not to be confused by traditional ‘fun bags.’ TOTALLY DIFFERENT ANIMAL.
11 ) Swearing is permitted within the confines of our house. Curse words are just words, and while they are rarely used, no punishment will be made for using said words. Children are not to use these words outside of the home, especially with their friends, teachers, or coaches. While that seems like a double standard, not everyone parents this way and would probably not understand, as we have discussed.*
12 ) Everything is subject to discussion. Hot topics like sex, STD’s, pregnancy, peer pressure, drugs, drunk driving and alcohol are openly discussed, using real terminology (and in the case of drugs, images on Google) for the appropriate subject. Children are encouraged to ask any questions, no matter how silly or uncomfortable, and will be met with honest answers and open, two-way dialogue. Children are encouraged to know all the facts about any topic, to approach parents at any time if they find themselves in a situation, and also to make their own decisions in future.
13 ) When out of sight, whether walking home from school or playing outside, children are to stand up for each other, no matter the circumstances. If approached by an adult, remember that an adult never asks a child for help if he/she truly needs help (ie. Dude with “lost puppy.”) An adult who was in real trouble, would ask another adult for help, not a child. Don’t be afraid to yell NO and walk or run away. If grabbed, don’t be afraid to kick, punch, yell, and make a ton of noise.
14 ) No one is perfect. No one is better or worse than us. Treat yourself, each other and others equally, and with respect. Love yourself and love each other. And know you are always, always loved by us, your parents.
Parenthood
If you’ve ever:
…gotten a lump in your throat while you heard the heartbeat of your baby;
…unwrapped your newly swaddled baby, completely out of curiosity;
…held the feet of an infant to your lips;
…gotten tears on your baby’s head in the middle of the night while feeding him or her;
…been so tired you handed your spouse a sippy cup instead of a beer;
…researched the cure for croup, at 3 a.m.;
…picked a tiny nose with your pinky finger;
…stumbled over your words, as you explained something so very big to someone so very small;
…wished with all your might for moments forever lost in time;
…surprisingly realized there were tears on your cheeks;
…paced the halls of your home, mentally willing a fever to break;
…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so much;
…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so little;
…discussed growth spurts, cradle cap, and the colour, consistency and smell of poop;
…were surprised at how long his little legs were getting as you re-tucked him in, before retiring for the night;
…felt warm vomit down your back as you try to calm your frightened child;
…laid awake and wondered if you could have done something better;
…heard 18 excuses why he doesn’t want to go to bed;
…bought them new shoes despite the fact you’ve had yours for 3 years running;
…baked 32 cupcakes at 10:30 at night;
(after doing a milk run in your pajamas);
…filled out a field trip form, only to worry about all the things that could go wrong;
…volunteered for that field trip to put your own mind at ease;
…stayed by the window after allowing her to bike to the variety store;
…talked candidly about sex and drugs, all the while nursing knots in your tummy;
…felt your heart soar along with his when he saved the game;
…been mad at someone else’s kid for hurting your kid’s feelings;
…taught them how to cook a meal/do a load of laundry/long division/anything, and somehow not ripped your hair out;
…been more excited than ever for Christmas morning, just to see their faces;
…spoiled them rotten when you got a few extra bucks;
…made her favorite meal, just because;
…tusseled his hair, and pulled him back for a kiss and a hug when he squirmed away;
…laid awake at night and willed time to slow down;
…thought you’d never, ever feel love like this – so raw and powerful – leaving you so very vulnerable…
…then you’re doing it right.
…gotten a lump in your throat while you heard the heartbeat of your baby;
…unwrapped your newly swaddled baby, completely out of curiosity;
…held the feet of an infant to your lips;
…gotten tears on your baby’s head in the middle of the night while feeding him or her;
…been so tired you handed your spouse a sippy cup instead of a beer;
…researched the cure for croup, at 3 a.m.;
…picked a tiny nose with your pinky finger;
…stumbled over your words, as you explained something so very big to someone so very small;
…wished with all your might for moments forever lost in time;
…surprisingly realized there were tears on your cheeks;
…paced the halls of your home, mentally willing a fever to break;
…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so much;
…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so little;
…discussed growth spurts, cradle cap, and the colour, consistency and smell of poop;
…were surprised at how long his little legs were getting as you re-tucked him in, before retiring for the night;
…felt warm vomit down your back as you try to calm your frightened child;
…laid awake and wondered if you could have done something better;
…heard 18 excuses why he doesn’t want to go to bed;
…bought them new shoes despite the fact you’ve had yours for 3 years running;
…baked 32 cupcakes at 10:30 at night;
(after doing a milk run in your pajamas);
…filled out a field trip form, only to worry about all the things that could go wrong;
…volunteered for that field trip to put your own mind at ease;
…stayed by the window after allowing her to bike to the variety store;
…talked candidly about sex and drugs, all the while nursing knots in your tummy;
…felt your heart soar along with his when he saved the game;
…been mad at someone else’s kid for hurting your kid’s feelings;
…taught them how to cook a meal/do a load of laundry/long division/anything, and somehow not ripped your hair out;
…been more excited than ever for Christmas morning, just to see their faces;
…spoiled them rotten when you got a few extra bucks;
…made her favorite meal, just because;
…tusseled his hair, and pulled him back for a kiss and a hug when he squirmed away;
…laid awake at night and willed time to slow down;
…thought you’d never, ever feel love like this – so raw and powerful – leaving you so very vulnerable…
…then you’re doing it right.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Dear Non-Pregnant Person
Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.
1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.
2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.
3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…
4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.
6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.
7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.
8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.
1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.
2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.
3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…
4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.
6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.
7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.
8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thinking Unconventionally
A Letter from a College Professor
Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not set up against the student.
The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."
The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did.
I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:
"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=3D0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
"Well," said the student. "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."
"Fine," I said, "and others?"
"Yes," said the student." There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.
"A very direct method."
"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."
"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".
"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"
At this point, I asked the student if he really did know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to "teach him to think".
Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not set up against the student.
The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."
The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did.
I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:
"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=3D0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
"Well," said the student. "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."
"Fine," I said, "and others?"
"Yes," said the student." There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.
"A very direct method."
"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."
"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".
"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"
At this point, I asked the student if he really did know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to "teach him to think".
Friday, January 7, 2011
Can't We Talk?
A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, "Would you like to stop for a coffee?"
"No, thanks," he answered truthfully. So they didn't stop.
The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn't she just say what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn't realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it's no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
As a specialist in linguistics, I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play.
Whenever I write or speak about this subject, people tell me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.
Learning about the different though equally valid conversational frequencies men and women are tuned to can help banish the blame and help us truly talk to one another. Here are some of the most common areas of conflict:
Status vs. Support.
Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.
I saw this when my husband and I had jobs in different cities. People frequently made comments like, "That must be rough," and "How do you stand it?" I accepted their sympathy and sometimes even reinforced it, saying, "The worst part is having to pack and unpack al the time."
But my husband often reacted with irritation. Our situation had advantages, he would explain. As academics, we had four-day weekends together, as well as long vacations throughout the year and four months in the summer.
Everything he said was true, but I didn't understand why he chose to say it. He told me that some of the comments implied: "Yours is not a real marriage. I am superior to you because my wife and I have avoided your misfortune." Until then it had not occurred to me there might be an element of one- upmanship.
I now see that my husband was simply approaching the world as many men do: as a place where people try to achieve and maintain status. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as a network of connections seeking support and consensus.
Independence vs. Intimacy.
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.
When Josh's old high-school friend called him at work to say he'd be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a house guest.
Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. "Why don't you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?" she asked.
Josh replied, "I can't tell my friend, 'I have to ask my wife for permission'!"
To Josh, checking with his wife would mean he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, "I have to check with Josh." It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband's.
Advice vs. Understanding.
Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the contour of her breast, he answered, "You can always have plastic surgery."
This comment bothered her. "I'm sorry you don't like the way it looks," she protested. "But I'm not having any more surgery!"
Mark was hurt and puzzled. "I don't care about a scar," he replied. "It doesn't bother me at all."
"Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?" she asked.
"Because you were upset about the way it looks."
Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
When my mother tells my father she doesn't feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.
Information vs. Feelings.
A cartoon shows a husband opening a newspaper and asking his wife, "Is there anything you'd like to say to me before I start reading the paper?" We know there isn't - but that as soon as the man begins reading, his wife will think of something.
The cartoon is funny because people recognize their own experience in it. What's not funny is that many women are hurt when men don't talk to them at home, and many men are frustrated when they disappoint their partners without knowing why.
Rebecca, who is happily married, told me this is a source of dissatisfaction with her husband, Stuart. When she tells him what she is thinking, he listens silently. When she asks him what is on his mind, he says, "Nothing."
All Rebecca's life she has had practice in verbalizing her feelings with friends and relatives. But Stuart has had practice in keeping his innermost thoughts to himself. To him, like most men, talk is information. He doesn't feel that talk is required at home.
Yet many such men hold center stage in a social setting, telling jokes and stories. They use conversation to claim attention and to entertain. Women can wind up hurt that their husbands tell relative strangers things they have not told them.
To avoid this kind of misunderstanding, both men and women can make adjustments. A woman may observe a man's desire to read the paper without seeing it is a rejection. And a man can understand a woman's desire to talk without feeling it is a manipulative intrusion.
Orders vs. Proposals.
Diana often begins statements with "Let's." She might say "Let's park over there" or "Let's clean up now, before lunch."
This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana's "Let's" as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders. Her style of talking is a way of getting others to do what she wants - but by winning agreement first.
With certain men, like Nathan, this tactic backfires. If they perceive someone is trying to get them to do something indirectly, they feel manipulated and respond more resentfully than they would to a straightforward request.
Conflict vs. Compromise.
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were "interesting" but in continual need of repair.
After Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car, but he would not be swayed.
Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the boring but dependable car and steeled herself for Hanks' anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it.
As Dora discovered, a little conflict won't kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation.
When we don't see style differences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: "You're illogical," "You're self- centered," "You don't care about me." But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from spiraling out of control.
Learning the other's ways of talking is a leap across the communication gap between men and women, and a giant step towards genuine understanding.
"No, thanks," he answered truthfully. So they didn't stop.
The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn't she just say what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn't realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it's no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
As a specialist in linguistics, I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play.
Whenever I write or speak about this subject, people tell me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.
Learning about the different though equally valid conversational frequencies men and women are tuned to can help banish the blame and help us truly talk to one another. Here are some of the most common areas of conflict:
Status vs. Support.
Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.
I saw this when my husband and I had jobs in different cities. People frequently made comments like, "That must be rough," and "How do you stand it?" I accepted their sympathy and sometimes even reinforced it, saying, "The worst part is having to pack and unpack al the time."
But my husband often reacted with irritation. Our situation had advantages, he would explain. As academics, we had four-day weekends together, as well as long vacations throughout the year and four months in the summer.
Everything he said was true, but I didn't understand why he chose to say it. He told me that some of the comments implied: "Yours is not a real marriage. I am superior to you because my wife and I have avoided your misfortune." Until then it had not occurred to me there might be an element of one- upmanship.
I now see that my husband was simply approaching the world as many men do: as a place where people try to achieve and maintain status. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as a network of connections seeking support and consensus.
Independence vs. Intimacy.
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.
When Josh's old high-school friend called him at work to say he'd be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a house guest.
Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. "Why don't you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?" she asked.
Josh replied, "I can't tell my friend, 'I have to ask my wife for permission'!"
To Josh, checking with his wife would mean he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, "I have to check with Josh." It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband's.
Advice vs. Understanding.
Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the contour of her breast, he answered, "You can always have plastic surgery."
This comment bothered her. "I'm sorry you don't like the way it looks," she protested. "But I'm not having any more surgery!"
Mark was hurt and puzzled. "I don't care about a scar," he replied. "It doesn't bother me at all."
"Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?" she asked.
"Because you were upset about the way it looks."
Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
When my mother tells my father she doesn't feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.
Information vs. Feelings.
A cartoon shows a husband opening a newspaper and asking his wife, "Is there anything you'd like to say to me before I start reading the paper?" We know there isn't - but that as soon as the man begins reading, his wife will think of something.
The cartoon is funny because people recognize their own experience in it. What's not funny is that many women are hurt when men don't talk to them at home, and many men are frustrated when they disappoint their partners without knowing why.
Rebecca, who is happily married, told me this is a source of dissatisfaction with her husband, Stuart. When she tells him what she is thinking, he listens silently. When she asks him what is on his mind, he says, "Nothing."
All Rebecca's life she has had practice in verbalizing her feelings with friends and relatives. But Stuart has had practice in keeping his innermost thoughts to himself. To him, like most men, talk is information. He doesn't feel that talk is required at home.
Yet many such men hold center stage in a social setting, telling jokes and stories. They use conversation to claim attention and to entertain. Women can wind up hurt that their husbands tell relative strangers things they have not told them.
To avoid this kind of misunderstanding, both men and women can make adjustments. A woman may observe a man's desire to read the paper without seeing it is a rejection. And a man can understand a woman's desire to talk without feeling it is a manipulative intrusion.
Orders vs. Proposals.
Diana often begins statements with "Let's." She might say "Let's park over there" or "Let's clean up now, before lunch."
This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana's "Let's" as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders. Her style of talking is a way of getting others to do what she wants - but by winning agreement first.
With certain men, like Nathan, this tactic backfires. If they perceive someone is trying to get them to do something indirectly, they feel manipulated and respond more resentfully than they would to a straightforward request.
Conflict vs. Compromise.
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were "interesting" but in continual need of repair.
After Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car, but he would not be swayed.
Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the boring but dependable car and steeled herself for Hanks' anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it.
As Dora discovered, a little conflict won't kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation.
When we don't see style differences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: "You're illogical," "You're self- centered," "You don't care about me." But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from spiraling out of control.
Learning the other's ways of talking is a leap across the communication gap between men and women, and a giant step towards genuine understanding.
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