What Did You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

The Sugarpants Household Parenting Manifesto (Incomplete and Subject to Change)

1 ) Parents will take all precautions necessary to avoid yelling (deep breathing, counting to ten, etc.) If yelling occurs, responsibility is taken for losing temper, and apologies are made – always prior to bedtime. No one goes to bed an Angry Bird, ever. That’s the rules.

2 ) It is always okay to make mistakes. Parents and children are well aware of this rule, as mistakes are often made by both the Parental Units and the Kidlet Units. Talking it out, hugging it out, and snuggling it out are usually the best remedies for said mistakes.

3 ) Absolutely no tattling on your sibling unless someone is bleeding or on fire. Make an effort to work things out on your own.

4 ) No hitting in this family, ever, for any reason. This rule is extended to the furball in the family as well. Hitting is never a good way to deal with anger. Except when Mommy is dealing with the stove, which is clearly possessed by the devil.

5 ) Apologies are to be made while looking each other in the eye and will include all of the following: “I’m sorry for what I did/said;” an “Are you okay” (if applicable); an “I love you” and “I love you too;” and a giant hug. Laughter is optional, but one should expect it to happen.

6 ) If one feels the need to be alone, whether it’s because they are feeling sad, or need downtime, or for any other reason, they always can retreat to their room and close the door. All closed doors are to be respected, and only opened after knocking; especially Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom door, dammit.

7 ) Screen time is defined as time spent watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the internet. Screen time is earned and can be taken away for many reasons. Doing chores, homework and keeping your room clean can usually result in relatively unlimited screen time. Whining will result in instant loss of Screen Time, every time, without fail. If you can wipe your own butt, you are too old to speak Whinese.

8 ) All efforts will be made to have kid staples in the house: pencils, peanut butter, milk, bread, cereal and cookies. In the event a staple has run out: DO NOT PANIC. An adult will replenish stock as soon as he or she can.

9 ) All efforts will be made to have adult staples in the house: coffee. In the event a staple has run out – oh wait, we never let that happen ever. EVER.

10 ) Road trips are to be prepared for. Peeing prior to boarding the vehicle is mandatory by all parties. All electronics will be charged the night before and packed in a designated ‘fun bag.’ Said fun bag is not to be confused by traditional ‘fun bags.’ TOTALLY DIFFERENT ANIMAL.

11 ) Swearing is permitted within the confines of our house. Curse words are just words, and while they are rarely used, no punishment will be made for using said words. Children are not to use these words outside of the home, especially with their friends, teachers, or coaches. While that seems like a double standard, not everyone parents this way and would probably not understand, as we have discussed.*

12 ) Everything is subject to discussion. Hot topics like sex, STD’s, pregnancy, peer pressure, drugs, drunk driving and alcohol are openly discussed, using real terminology (and in the case of drugs, images on Google) for the appropriate subject. Children are encouraged to ask any questions, no matter how silly or uncomfortable, and will be met with honest answers and open, two-way dialogue. Children are encouraged to know all the facts about any topic, to approach parents at any time if they find themselves in a situation, and also to make their own decisions in future.

13 ) When out of sight, whether walking home from school or playing outside, children are to stand up for each other, no matter the circumstances. If approached by an adult, remember that an adult never asks a child for help if he/she truly needs help (ie. Dude with “lost puppy.”) An adult who was in real trouble, would ask another adult for help, not a child. Don’t be afraid to yell NO and walk or run away. If grabbed, don’t be afraid to kick, punch, yell, and make a ton of noise.

14 ) No one is perfect. No one is better or worse than us. Treat yourself, each other and others equally, and with respect. Love yourself and love each other. And know you are always, always loved by us, your parents.

Parenthood

If you’ve ever:

…gotten a lump in your throat while you heard the heartbeat of your baby;

…unwrapped your newly swaddled baby, completely out of curiosity;

…held the feet of an infant to your lips;

…gotten tears on your baby’s head in the middle of the night while feeding him or her;

…been so tired you handed your spouse a sippy cup instead of a beer;

…researched the cure for croup, at 3 a.m.;

…picked a tiny nose with your pinky finger;

…stumbled over your words, as you explained something so very big to someone so very small;

…wished with all your might for moments forever lost in time;

…surprisingly realized there were tears on your cheeks;

…paced the halls of your home, mentally willing a fever to break;

…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so much;

…wondered how it was possible for a little person to eat so little;

…discussed growth spurts, cradle cap, and the colour, consistency and smell of poop;

…were surprised at how long his little legs were getting as you re-tucked him in, before retiring for the night;

…felt warm vomit down your back as you try to calm your frightened child;

…laid awake and wondered if you could have done something better;

…heard 18 excuses why he doesn’t want to go to bed;

…bought them new shoes despite the fact you’ve had yours for 3 years running;

…baked 32 cupcakes at 10:30 at night;

(after doing a milk run in your pajamas);

…filled out a field trip form, only to worry about all the things that could go wrong;

…volunteered for that field trip to put your own mind at ease;

…stayed by the window after allowing her to bike to the variety store;

…talked candidly about sex and drugs, all the while nursing knots in your tummy;

…felt your heart soar along with his when he saved the game;

…been mad at someone else’s kid for hurting your kid’s feelings;

…taught them how to cook a meal/do a load of laundry/long division/anything, and somehow not ripped your hair out;

…been more excited than ever for Christmas morning, just to see their faces;

…spoiled them rotten when you got a few extra bucks;

…made her favorite meal, just because;

…tusseled his hair, and pulled him back for a kiss and a hug when he squirmed away;

…laid awake at night and willed time to slow down;

…thought you’d never, ever feel love like this – so raw and powerful – leaving you so very vulnerable…

…then you’re doing it right.

Dear Non-Pregnant Person

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World