Is your husband gay?

"Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign."

If your husband comes home from the gym "exhausted," it could also just be a result of working out. Wait, what are we saying? He's DEFINITELY having "secret liaisons" in the bathroom. Obviously.

"It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm."

Is your husband a fan of shows that DON'T appear on the Sci Fi or History channel? SOUND THE ALARM.

"Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?"

Ladies, if your man's job takes him to San Fran or Thailand on business, watch out. He's probably definitely having a gay rendezvous.

"Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a Speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks?"

Standing shirtless in a crowd and 'peppering' people? That last example sounds less like the behavior of a homosexual man and more like the actions of a mentally-disturbed vagrant.

"Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex 'hook ups.' They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities."

Wait, so gay men have a secret telepathic connection? Like ESP? Also, it's 2010. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn't own skinny jeans or check themselves out occasionally.

"A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands."

We had no idea that 'excessive back talk' or 'speaking with one's hands' was reason enough to think that someone is secretly gay. Then again, we don't live in Cazy-town, USA.

"If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire."

If your man expresses his love for other men while engaging in sexual activities, then yeah - he's probably into guys in some capacity. But a 'crisis of ego and desire?' Nah...

"Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cell phone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?"

Yes, because all men who drink, smoke, use gel, or cry are secretly gay.

"Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?"

So "natural" men are all lumberjacks, and if your husband's face is dry and he uses lotion, he's gay. That totally makes sense. And if he cleans the house, forget about it! He's sleeping with another man!